Aristotle & Seneca on friendship and isolation

Friendship was an important topic to Greek philosophers. Aristotle devoted 1/5th of his main work on ethics, Nicomachean Ethics, to friendship. Similarly, Seneca spent a decent portion of his Letters from a Stoic discussing its meaning and value. For Seneca, our desire for friendship is instinctual:

“In the same way as there exists in man a distaste for solitude and a craving for society, natural instinct drawing one human being to another, so too with this there is something inherent in it that stimulates us into seeking friendships.”

Friendship doesn’t just address a need to socialize, but a need to develop deep connections with other people—a desire to know and be known. I think this desire is rooted in a longing for truth. On a deeper level, we seek truth and authenticity because they form the core of reality. And the purest expression of truth is to fully understand another person (and be fully understood by another).

But this is a difficult, if not impossible, feat.

The remedy to isolation

Virginia Woolf’s novel To the Lighthouse explores the question of whether you can truly understand another person or if we’re all islands, destined to feel solitude even in the company of others.

The book suggests the latter:

“For now she need not think of anybody. She could be herself, by herself. And that was what now she often felt the need of - to think; well not even to think. To be silent; to be alone. All the being and the doing, expansive, glittering, vocal, evaporated; and one shrunk, with a sense of solemnity, to being oneself, a wedge-shaped core of darkness, something invisible to others.”

But not being fully understood doesn’t necessarily lead to solitude. How can another person fully understand you (your character, experiences, beliefs, and choices) without being you? To feel a semblance of being understood is enough to ward off solitude and to fulfill our desires.

Seneca, on the other hand, views friendship as an antidote to isolation—a source of shared experiences that unites us through mutual support, care, and respect. He believes friendship fulfills us and brings happiness:

“Friendship creates between us a partnership in all things. Nothing is good or bad for us alone; we live in common. Nor can anyone live happily who only cares for his own advantage… This fellowship, maintained with special care and respect, unites humanity as a whole, and holds that we all have certain rights in common… For someone who has much in common with another human being will have everything in common with a friend.”

The ideal friendship

However, not all friendships dispel solitude or fulfill our need to be understood. According to Aristotle, there are three types of friendships, each differing in superficiality and value:

Advantageous friend: a superficial friendship based on mutual advantages. Once the advantage disappears, so does the friendship. This person is a fair-weather friend. For example, it would include a friend you make at a networking event or in a class.
Pleasure friendship: a friendship based on mutual pleasure. You both enjoy spending time with each other. This is just a person to pass the time with.
Character friendship: a friendship based on mutual admiration. This is the deepest and rarest form of friendship, and it’s rooted in shared character, values, and interests. With character friendships, each person sees a quality in the other that they admire.

The challenge with character friendships

The rub here is that character friendships involve wishing the other person well for their own sake. That means entirely removing self-interest out of the picture—you can’t wish the other person well because it serves you. This is harder to achieve than you may think, and according to Aristotle, is only possible if you’re a good person (you’re trustworthy, have good character, and don’t hold grudges).

Friends are like mirrors.

When we see good qualities in our friends that we lack, we feel inspired to develop those traits. In this way, our friends help us become better people. Because the people we surround ourselves with impact our character, it’s important to be careful about who we spend time with. As Seneca puts it:

“Think for a long time whether or not you should admit a given person to your friendship. But when you have decided to do so, welcome him heart and soul, and speak as unreservedly with him as you would with yourself.”

Is friendship more important than love?

It depends on your definition of love, but Aristotle thought so. Aristotle viewed love as an intense, fleeting feeling motivated by selfishness, believing that we only love others if they are useful, bring us pleasure, or are good for us:

"The lover delights to look upon his beloved, the beloved likes to have attentions paid him; but when the bloom of youth is gone, the friendship sometimes vanishes also."

To Aristotle, character friendships are far superior—motivated by shared virtues and selflessness, and outlasting love.