Lately I’ve been wondering if, as we age, the direction of travel is towards fear. Adventurous activities like sky diving, surfing, or even scuba diving sounded exciting several years ago, but now seem risky and unappealing. What if the parachute doesn’t open, or what if there are sharks or stingrays?

When we’re young, we’re often fearless. We don’t hesitate or hold ourselves back. One reason is that the decision-making center in our brains isn’t fully developed as teenagers, so we tend to underestimate risks and overestimate our abilities. We outgrow this once our brains are fully developed. 

But is there a larger, existential reason that many of us become more fearful as we age? Do we value our lives more or care more about the consequences of our actions? To explore these questions, I turned to two different schools of thought—Stoicism and Toltec wisdom.

The shadow of death

My first thought was that fear stems from an increasing awareness of our mortality. As we age, our bodies start breaking down, and we become more attuned to how we can be harmed. Death becomes more real.

Death is the ultimate fear the Stoics believe we should master. It’s unknown and is usually the worst outcome people can think of. The Stoic philosopher Seneca says, “First, free yourself from the fear of death.”

The Stoics advocated practicing “memento mori,” which means “remember you have to die” in Latin. By reminding ourselves that death is natural, inevitable, and outside of our control, we can relieve the anxiety it prompts.  

But our fear seems more nuanced.

Our fear isn’t death…but life

The Toltecs offer an interesting perspective on fear. They were a society from ancient Mexico (10th – 12th century) known for their spiritual and philosophical wisdom. In The Four Agreements, the Toltec spiritual teacher Don Miguel Ruiz writes:

“To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive – the risk to be alive and express what we really are.”

What I initially thought was rooted in a fear of death actually seems closer to the opposite. We fear the opportunity cost of death—everything we miss out on by not being alive, like our unfulfilled aspirations.

The image of perfection

What holds us back—and what makes us fearful—is living out someone else’s idea of happiness or success. From an early age, most of us are taught to seek acceptance, so we create a set of standards based on what everyone else values. For example, you become a lawyer or doctor to appease your parents or for prestige, or you wear certain clothes to fit in.  

“We form an image of what perfection is in order to try to be good enough. We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody. We especially try to please the ones who love us, like Mom and Dad, big brothers and sisters, the priests and the teacher.” – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Living by other peoples’ standards makes us unhappy because it’s at odds with our genuine selves and values. We can never be happy living out someone else’s desires because we will never stack up.

“Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we don’t fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view.” – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Living authentically

Instead, by aligning your own values and goals with your actions, you start leading a fulfilling and authentic life. You become less fearful because you leave nothing undone. Acknowledging that you only have one life means following your own path, living by your own values, and not putting off your aspirations.

“Consider it a great accomplishment to act as one person. But only the wise play a single role. The rest of us wear many masks. We keep changing our characters, taking on a new role that is its opposite. You should, then, demand this of yourself: play a single character until the curtain falls.” – Seneca, from Breakfast with Seneca by David Fideler

Combining the Stoic philosophy of confronting our fear of death with the Toltec encouragement of living authentically allows us to alleviate our fears and lead more fulfilling lives.

Do you find yourself more fearful or more aware of your mortality as you age, and does this influence your decisions? Let me know in the comments below!

If you liked this post, check out these:

Toltec wisdom on love and the nature of life

Mimetic desire and immortality

Time: why it’s important not to squander and how to spend it